Alice In Her Own Land

Why is it, with you, I find myself reflecting most on where I’ve come? All the hard work, the evolving, the internal shredding of self that I worked tirelessly to confront and heal, all those agonising efforts show for naught. I am once again insecure, begging for even a morsel of your attention, and scanning myself for any imperfections you may find in me. No other reasoning makes sense besides the faults in me. 

You’ve given me a percentage of yourself and that’s ignited enough for me to want to be everything you desire because if I can have a modicum of your affection as I imperfectly stand before you then what more if I mold myself to be exactly what you want? I think I can do it. I can lose the weight or gain it, I can speak less and smile more, I can adorn you with all the gifts and trinkets you desire if, in the end, I get to have just some parts of you for myself because I know I can’t have you entirely.

You are free…Made to exist in a world where your desires are easily met, your dreams are cultivated, the masses flock to you, and your charm and intellect are mesmerising, for you cannot be tamed. Who am I to keep you when the vast universe itself suffocates you? Your fire drives your impulsive choices. You’re a rollercoaster that never stops, and if I could get the chance to come along for the ride, even if only for one dizzying loop of laughter and pleasure followed by inevitable, nauseating pain, I’d wait a lifetime in that queue. 

Do you see me? In that crowd of hopefuls lining up for your regard, am I visible? With my arms flailing about, my heart reaching out for yours, do you see me? I long for those moments when I see the light cascade on those azure eyes. The very eyes that crease on each corner whenever I compliment them, the ones I’ve seen gaze upon me when you think I’m left unawares. You may look at me in passing but do you see me?

Your effect on me has been branded for life and although the feelings may ebb and flow after considerable time apart, it does little to mute the energy that surges through me whenever we unite. A touch as simple as a kiss to the temple propels this devotion forth, beating against my chest for an escape toward your embrace. I want so badly to be everything you’ve been restlessly searching for. Your wayward travels may cease now, for all you’ll ever want and need is within me. 

Do you ignore our souls’ pull by default or design?… Yes, of course. That must be it. You’ve chosen to elude yourself to what is right in front of you. Perhaps the intensity is much too intoxicating or perhaps it is in fact me. I do not fit into this idea of life you’ve curated for self. My appearance is unique at best, my thoughts are too brashly opinionated, and my appeal is not to your standards. Whatever reasons flit into your mind, to deny you and I the liberty to suckle at life’s nectar together, has left in its wake, a shame-filled slurry of inner turmoil and insecurity. All the years of regulating my soul, nurturing my inner child, and building up my divine feminine confidence, seem to be shackled by the uncertainty of where your heart lies.

I wish to be free from this confusion, from this aching, unrequited love. I wish to redeem my power once again and to stand firmly in the truth that I am enough as I am, with or without your affirmations of sweet nothings and hollow promises. I deserve a love as fair and passionate as I myself am willing to give because anything less would be an injustice to all I’ve worked to heal. My love is bountiful, inebriating, and immeasurable. I am worthy of receiving what I can effortlessly give.